Micky D’s Secret Ingredient

Sometimes the simplest of answers enlighten the most complex of life riddles. After having worked for Micky’Ds, I finally learned the secret ingredient that makes their burgers taste like shit: feces. I know, it sounds hard to believe at first, but really, shit is an important ingredient in McDonald’s handburgers. Human shit to be precise. Some history; McDonalds once tried to sell frozen burgers to consumers in grocery stores back in the 70′s. They used the exact same ingredients as they would in their restaurants. But they never got past the taste-testing phase of the project. The reason for this was a slight difference in the taste of the burgers, regardless from the fact that the exact same ingredients and cooking times were used. A coalition of food experts investigated the problem and concluded that the answer lies in the fact that the frozen burgers were assembled by machines in a factory, and the restaurant burgers by immigrants, students too stupid to earn money dealing crackaïne on campus to gothic kids like every other regular person, and pregnant crackhoes that got past the point of being able to afford condoms and are now unemployed due to pregnancy of and from a hideous monstrosity. And what do students, crackhoes and immigrants have in common? That’s right; Shit! All these people shit as a way to evacuate their bowels from wastes, instead of holding it in indefinitely like *real* mofos! Now, you really think these people are gonna spend three seconds washing their hands after their daily crapminute? You think? Wrong! I know I wouldn’t, and didn’t. Not that I take craps like a wuss, but I do spend a lot of time with my fingers in the anuses of syphilis-riddled Russian Prostitutes.

Also, it seems that due to the vast amounts of Mono Sodium Glutamate modern man consumes, a human turd contains at least 75% MSG. This is all calculated in now, and they are correct to state that they don’t add MSG to their burgers. The shit stuck beneath the nails of their employees does. And that’s why their burgers are so addictive; crapfingers.

McDonalds: I’m Lovin’ Shit